Double Jeopardy
by xxjonibaby
Summary: Kamerreon's Drabble Challenge; a drabble a day until my imagination dies. Series of UNRELATED drabbles. Like a box of chocolates. You don't know what you're going to get or if you're going to like it. Various pairings. AU, Slash, Het, ect.
1. Punch

**A/N:** _Kamerreon's Drabble Challenge: One drabble a day, at least fifty days, or until my imagination burns out. Drabbles are unrelated and may include slash, spoilers, AU, cross-overs, cross-dressing, or whatever the hell I want. Warnings will be in the A/N at the beginning of each chapter. If you skip the warnings and then complain about the content, I will laugh my ass off._ **Warning:**_ stupidity, bad humor, and bad language. _

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**Punch**

"_Do your tits hang low..do they wobble to and fro..can ya tie 'em in a knot..can ya tie 'em in a bow..does th' sunlight turn 'em yellow..does water make_ _'em grow..do your tits hang low_.."

"I can't believe you're drunk. Get down." Harry buried his face in his hands as the guest of honor arrived.

"Sorry I'm late. I had a lot of paper..work..Harry?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"What the hell is my wife singing?"

"It's George's fault."

"She wasn't supposed to drink the whole punch bowl!"

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	2. Ache

**Warning:** _OotP spoiler_

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**Ache**

Harry descended the spiral staircase, his heart aching. Dumbledore had just been trying to protect him, again, and Harry had screwed it up for him.

The prophecy echoed in his head ominously and he knew that it was what he'd asked for. More than anything he wished he could take it all back.

He wished he could treat the awful knowledge with the same casual dismissal Dumbledore had when he'd broken what were surely irreplaceable treasures.

His heart ached as much for the ruined belongings of Albus Dumbledore as it did for the loss of Sirius and the terrible weight on his shoulders.

He would make it up to Dumbledore, somehow.


	3. Price To Pay

**Warning: **_bad language and violence._

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**Price To Pay**

Severus Snape snarled as he cut down another muggle with a well-aimed _Sectumsempra_.

His face contorted in hatred and anger, which his colleagues would presume to be directed at the innocent shop-goers they were slaying.

The mask he wore was a partial truth. He was angry. He knew he had to do this to keep his cover, but afterwards he would go to Dumbledore and purge his sins.

Inwardly, he snorted. That conniving bastard would make a terrible priest, but it was fitting since Dumbledore was the only one who could absolve him now.

That was the price he had to pay.


	4. Constant Diligence

**A/N: **_Since this was a challenge fic, I decided to challenge myself to write a few things I normally wouldn't read. I think it turned out okayish. I do love the title._ **Warning:** _Marauders' Era_

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**Constant Diligence**

Lily looked over the top of her book and observed the silent common room. Her eyes casually flicked to the corner where four boys were doing their homework diligently. Smirking to herself, she went back to her book.

"Is she still looking?"

"Shhh! Evans might decide to kill us, Prongs," Sirius Black whispered in remembered terror.

"Maybe we shouldn't have pranked her," Peter offered, his eyes glued to his homework.

"It was a prank of love!"

"Potter.."

Remus kept his head down as his three friends gulped. Maybe he should've told them it was her time of the month too.

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	5. Anniversary

**A/N: **_This can be taken in more than one way. This is what happens when I try to write this pairing. :)_ **Warning:** _bad language, EWE, implied char. death (or divorce) _

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**Anniversary**

Harry turned off all the lights and sat in his living room staring at a dark television screen.

He waved his wand, ensuring the house would remain undisturbed by the hordes of trick-or-treaters and well-meaning friends.

He was going to get piss drunk. Why? Because today was the anniversary of the worst day of his life. His parents died twenty years ago.

He gulped down a can of beer and reached for another, trying to think about his parents and _not_ think about Ginny.

His eyes strayed to their wedding picture. Halloween, the happiest and worst day of his life.

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	6. Flower Child

**A/N: **_I know, I know..Making Scorpius' name sound normal.. Poking fun at flower name cliches here. ;)_ **Warning: **_EWE, threesome, slash, unusual pairing_

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**Flower Child**

Pansy loved her name. Their children had flower names as well. Dahlia, Freesia, Peony, Phlox, Telstar, Sweet William, Sweet Pea, and their youngest, Marguerite Daisy, had flower names because it was the only thing that their three parents could agree on.

Pansy had always adored flower names and, lucky for her, it had been her husbands' weaknesses as well.

Pansy snuggled in-between Harry and Neville, wondering what they might name their next child. Two pairs of arms unconsciously wrapped around her.

She hoped they were having another set of twins, perhaps both girls this time. Poppy and Lily, she decided.

* * *


	7. Dolls

**Dolls**

Narcissa liked to play with dolls when she was younger. Her mother and father would buy her the most expensive wizard dolls from around the world.

She had dolls that sang, danced, gossiped, and drank tea. Each doll had over a hundred designer robes and even had matching jewelry.

Every witches' dream doll was hers.

However, her favorite doll was a cheaply made muggle doll that her cousin gave her for her eighth birthday. Unlike the others, it was a boy doll.

Narcissa named him and told him all of her deepest secrets.

Because she had always wanted a brother.

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	8. Vanity

**A/N: **_I tried to do the transgender thing with Narcissa in 'Dolls', but it didn't work out. I like how this turned out, though it is a little vague.. (by vague, I mean take your pick) _**Warning: **_implied transgendered/cross-dresser/homosexual, also implied divorcee _

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**Vanity**

Draco stood near the vanity table; close, but not touching. He watched his mother put her make-up on and he wanted to be just like her. He was pretty too, wasn't he?

When she left, Draco ignored the house-elf that had been ordered to watch him (it obeyed him too, so he ordered it to punish itself somewhere else) and snuck back into his mother and father's room. He climbed onto the fancy stool and stared at himself in the mirror.

When his mother and father found him with his face all made-up, his father's face turned all white and his mother looked at him with pity. He vowed to make them look at him proudly.

Draco Malfoy married Pansy Parkinson and all he got was a nod from his father and a fancy reception with a hundred thousand people he didn't know.

His mother sent him a vanity table.

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	9. Marriage

**A/N: **_This was really fun for me to write. I think it is a reasonable deduction that they would've had some sort of marital problem at some point and I thought I'd try and come up with an unusual issue that differs from the top ten reasons why people divorce._ **Warning:** _implied (het) sex, kink_

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**Marriage**

Ron knew the look his wife was giving him meant he would pay dearly later, but he was hungry _now._ He rolled out of bed and grabbed his pants off the floor, hopping towards the door on one foot as he put them on.

"Marriage's worst enemy is supposedly financial struggle," Hermione sighed in frustration, "Ours isn't finances or any of the other common factors in the statistics! I'm competing with your stomach!"

"But you know I'll come back after." Ron knew it was the wrong thing to say when Hermione didn't even reply. He looked between his wife and the door for a long minute before he pulled his pants off. Suddenly, it hit him!

"Hermione, why haven't we ever tried food play?" He felt like a moron when she laughed at him so hard that she had tears running down her face, but then she was smiling and dragging him downstairs towards the kitchen.

Their marriage would be just fine.

* * *


	10. Muggles

**A/N: **_This actually happened to someone I know- so remember, don't let strangers in the house and always ask for ID!_ **Warning:** _implied attempted rape/violence, post-DH, epilogue-compliant_

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**Muggles**

James answered the door and stopped in surprise to see a muggle, rather than Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron like he was expecting.

"Hello, I'm from the telephone company?"

James stared at him in surprise. "Oh, sure..Come in." He ran upstairs to play with Albus and Lily, yelling at his mum that someone was at the house.

When James and his siblings heard the police sirens, they hurried downstairs to see their mum, auntie, and uncle talking to the police.

The man he'd let in the house hadn't come from the phone company. He'd tried to hurt his mum.

James knew it was all his fault really, but for a brief moment he thought that something like this would never have happened in the wizarding world, not now when his dad defeated Voldemort.

For a minute, he hated muggles.

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	11. Up To Something

**A/N: **_Well, I got online to post this_ _**four** hours ago. I am way too easily distracted._ **Warning:** _Nextgen, incest, threesome, slash, unusual pairing_

_

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_

**Up To Something**

"Yes."

"_No_."

James and Lily looked at each other and then said simultaneously, "Never mind." As they walked away Lily whispered, "Next time we'll just ask Dad when he's alone."

Ginny turned to her husband with her hands on her hips.

"They said Teddy was going too!"

"Teddy is not an adult!"

"Ron said this movie doesn't have anything very bad in it. I didn't think it'd be such a big deal."

"Harry, the rated R movie is not the issue. That Lily, James, and Teddy are actually _agreeing_ on the same movie is what worries me. I just _know_ something's going on!"

Albus listened to his parents argue for awhile before silently slipping upstairs. His brother and sister were waiting by his room for his 'report'. "Mum's on to you," he said without preamble. "You three are going to have to break it to her soon. She'll be so shocked, she probably won't give me half as much grief over me and Gabrielle."

* * *

(I got sick of Albus/Scorpius and couldn't pass up the _irony_ of James and Lily.)


	12. Death

**Warning:** _AU, bad language, slight cross-over_

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**Death**

After a literally endless night of horrendous work, Death took off his signature robes and donned his everyday disguise.

The outside world was woefully ignorant of the powers of Death until he was upon them. In their arrogance, people tried to bribe him, unaware he had already fulfilled his contract. Soon, he will have collected his hundred billionth soul. Then he will be free from all the ridiculous charades.

He changed his skeletal appearance to match his human role, as his scythe became the infamous wand that the annoying prophet had known to craft for him.

Phoenix feather, his ass.

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	13. Rent

**Warning: **_implied romance, unusual pairing, slash_

* * *

**Rent**

The loss of his magic had been a huge shock to him. Back then, he hadn't known how to survive without magic.

After an incident with a stove, he'd been assigned a live-in nurse to help him adjust to his surroundings or in other words keep an eye on him.

The most humiliating part, he'd thought, was that they assigned _Weasley _to be his nurse.

Ron was his nurse for two years, before he was abruptly reassigned at St. Mungo's.

A week later, Ron resigned and nervously asked if he could move in.

Draco charged him rent.


	14. Dimples

**Dimples**

Harry picked up the baby gently. He could hear arguing in the background, but his attention was monopolized by the cute dimples of the ex-dark lord.

His ears caught the word "_euthanization_" and suddenly he was scrutinizing his friends and comrades. Hermione was the only one arguing against it.

"I'm adopting him." Immediately, objections sprung up. Hermione abandoned her previous argument to talk him out of "an impetuous decision".

He instinctively knew that the baby had no memories of Tom Riddle or Voldemort. He made his decision and apparated with his son.

"But you can't apparate on Hogwarts' grounds!"


	15. Mints

**Mints**

Ron snatched the little container off the counter and emptied it into his mouth. He left the kitchen and threw himself over the back of the couch just as he heard his wife come out of the bathroom.

With his feet on the table and the remote in his hand, he carefully cultivated his innocent face. He could hear her looking for them in the kitchen and felt a twinge of guilt. They were just _mints_. Surely she wouldn't get mad for that!

He considered his wife's drastic mood swings and gulped. Maybe she would.

"Did you eat my Rolaids?!"


	16. Crush

**Warning: **_slash, unusual pairing, teacher/student, unrequited love _

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**Crush**

He loved the lips that sneered at him.

He melted when that rich voice reprimanded him.

He admired the sure hands that steadied his cauldron.

He gulped as that tall, imposing figure stood over him.

He hardened as thin fingers wrapped around a wand.

He was in a trance when the spell vanished his potion.

He stuttered when the man crossed his arms, obviously expecting some kind of response.

As those sharp eyes glared into his skull, he wished he were braver.

A blush rose to his cheeks as he registered laughter from the other students.

"Detention, Longbottom!"

"Y-Yes, Professor."


	17. Sad Realization

**Sad Realization**

Penelope had loved Percy Weasley for five long years. Five years of supporting him and comforting him when he quarreled with his family.

Now she couldn't believe that she hadn't realized sooner, but she was younger then. She'd wanted to believe that Percy was right and ignored the signs that told her differently.

It wasn't until their fifth anniversary that she finally realized the sad truth. His job was more important to him than anything else, even his family.

Even her. She'd waited for him at the restaurant for over three hours. He didn't show up.


	18. Happy

**Happy**

Harry knew that no one would understand, so he never told them. One day he packed all of his things and just left.

He knew he'd hurt them, but he was happy now. He was _the_ most successful designer on the runway.

After he left the wizarding world, he moved to New York and started studying fashion.

Even though he was world-famous for his work, he knew no one from the wizarding world would recognize him even _if_ they followed muggle fashion and _if_ they saw him.

The only remaining resemblance to his former self was his green eyes.


	19. Grave

**Warning:** _Post-DH, implied survival of canon char. death, EWE_

* * *

**Grave**

Luna visited the grave of her ex-professor every week.

He'd never had an official funeral and they'd never found his body, but Harry bought him a nice headstone and had it put next to his mum's.

Her husband could be really sensitive, but that was one of the things that was attractive about him.

She liked to visit them and talk to them and sometimes Harry came too. This visit she didn't say anything.

She knew that Snape, wherever he was, knew that Severus James Lovegood (Harry had taken her name) was just starting to toddle.


	20. Taboo

**Warning: **_angst, homosexuality, implied femmeslash_

* * *

**Taboo**

When he said he loved her, he was lying. She hated it, but she understood. They both needed to pretend that it was real.

She wondered if he loved someone else too.

Homosexuality was even more taboo than in the muggle world. There was a lot of pressure to get married and have babies because the population was so small. It wasn't as bad as being a werewolf, but only barely.

Ginny hated that she couldn't be with Hermione. She hated that she was marrying Harry.

Knowing that he was gay too just made it all the worse.


	21. Shoulda, Coulda, Didn't

**Warning:** _parody, char. death_

* * *

**Shoulda, Coulda, Didn't**

The old coot - er, _Dumbledore_ - smiled as he helped himself to another lemon drop. A few minutes later, the stupid goat was still sucking the same lemon drop.

A frown appeared on his wrinkly face. The leader of the light was feeling a mite peculiar... Not a minute later, he was very dead.

The next day's headline read: 'YOU-KNOW-WHO KILLS DUMBLEDORE WITH LEMONY EVILNESS - Experts say that it is 80% likely that poison was involved'

Harry groaned as soon as he read the headline. "I knew I should have left a note! All great villains leave notes," he grumbled. "Should've, could've, didn't..Damn."


	22. Burn

**Warning: **_crude/sexual humor _

* * *

**Burn**

"Feel the burn!"

"Shut up, Ron!"

Hermione was losing patience fast as her husband continued to mock the video exercising program she had purchased.

She had hoped that once he saw _her_ using it he might take the hint, but all he'd done so far was sit on the couch and laugh at her.

"Ronald Weasley, if you do not get into shape and get yourself back into the Auror program, I will curse your tongue off so you can never enjoy another meal!"

Ron looked at her in bewilderment. "Well, that'd be bad for you too, wouldn't it?"


	23. Knot Kinky

**Warning: **_transgender, fetish (I don't think it counts, but I've included the warning anyway so no complaining :P)_

* * *

**Knot Kinky**

Jeremy loved being gagged and tied up.

Although people would think he was kinky, he really wasn't. He never had sex when he was tied up. It just helped him relax somehow.

His roommate would tie him up and then leave him for a couple of hours, just as he asked.

Luna really was a treasure. When Jeremy decided to attend muggle university, Luna came along too and somehow managed to land the same dorm room as him.

Which was really great, since Jeremy didn't want to share with some chick who would insist on calling him 'Gin-Gin'.


	24. Guardian

**Guardian**

The boy didn't know when it first started, but for as long as he could remember his special friend would appear when he needed him.

He'd bring him food, shield him from bullies, and sometimes sing him to sleep (very, very quietly).

When the boy offered to share his cupboard so that his friend didn't have to leave anymore, something special happened. These strange connecting rings appeared, glowing an ugly fiery orange. One ring was wrapped tightly around his friend's wrist and the rest of the rings disappeared through the wall to somewhere far, far away. The orange rings snapped and a pretty blue light wrapped gently around Dobby's wrist and his own. It connected them like a very soft thread. Dobby explained that it meant he would always be able protect him now.

And that's how a house-elf became six-year-old Harry Potter's legal guardian.

* * *

**A/N:** _Sorry for not updating yesterday. I got distracted again by the internet..It's shiny. Blame it on the jap. Hana Kimi - I watched 6 episodes all at once. The time sure flies by when you're laughing your ass off at Nakatsu. :D_


	25. No News Is Good News, Part I

**Warning: **_Parody, bad language_

**No News Is Good News **

**Part I**

Harry ran all the way to Gryffindor Tower, racing right up to the sixth year boys' dormitory. "Guys! You won't believe this!" Harry stared at his best friends as they continued to exchange saliva. "Guys? Harry Potter having a _crisis_ here!"

His two best friends broke apart with very red faces, as if they suddenly realized he was there.

"Oh, Harry. Just tell Ginny how you feel!" Hermione advised dramatically.

"…Eh?"

"Honestly, mate," Ron said with a grin, "even _I_ saw that one coming!"

"Oh god! Sick! I don't like Ginny like that!" Harry screamed, covering his eyes in hopes of shielding his brain from unthinkable images.

"Are you gay?" Ron asked stupidly.

"Oh, Harry. I should have seen this," Hermione sighed sympathetically. "With your emotionally deprived upbringing, you can't possibly comprehend that boy/boy love is acceptable-"

"What. The. Hell. Will you guys just let me _tell_ you already?!"

Silence.

"James Potter isn't my biological father."


	26. No News Is Good News, Part II

**Warning: **_parody, bad language_

* * *

**No News Is Good News **

**Part II**

_"James Potter isn't my biological father."_

"You look just like James, though. How can he not be your dad?!" Ron insisted stubbornly.

"Be quiet, Ron. It's _obviously _a complicated Glamour that will slowly wear off as Harry reaches his majority," Hermione stated authoritatively.

"Uh, no. This is how I really look. I guess it's just coincidence that I look like James, but if you look closer I actually look like a mix of my real parents."

"Shit! It's Snape, isn't it?!" Ron bellowed.

"Oh, Harry! He _must've_ had a one-night stand with your mum. We know he loved her, but she-"

"_Hermione! _That would never happen in a million years in any universe! It's** not** Snape!" Harry threw himself on the floor, banging his fist on the carpet for emphasis.

"Is it Voldemort?" Hermione asked tentatively.

"No." He glared at Hermione daring her to speak. When she was silent, he opened his mouth to speak-

"Dumbledore?"

"Shut _up,_ Ron!" Harry yelled. "It's Remus Lupin!"


	27. No News Is Good News, Part III

**Warning:** _parody, crude humor_

* * *

**No News Is Good News **

**Part III**

_"It's Remus Lupin!"_

"Are you _sure_?"

Harry glared daggers at his best friends, offended by their mutual utterance.

Unknown to him, Hermione and Ron thought his glare face looked like he was squinting a bit. To boost his poor little ego, they each took a step back and put on appropriately flushed expressions.

"Do you need the loo simultaneously as well?"

Harry felt very satisfied by his snark until- "I still think it was Snape," Ron whispered.

He gritted his teeth. "If it was Snape, why would I say it was Lupin?"

"I dunno maybe-"

"Could we just forget Snape and focus on Lupin?!"

"Harry, I don't understand why it would be a crisis. I thought you didn't have a problem with his.. condition," Hermione said tactfully.

"I don't, but the ministry does! Even if Lupin wanted to, he couldn't take me away from the Dursleys'. Werewolves can't raise children," he spat.

Hermione was silent.

Ron stuck his foot in it, naturally. "What do you mean _if_ he wanted to?"


	28. No News Is Good News, Part IV

**Warning:**_ parody _

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**No News Is Good News **

**Part IV**

___"What do you mean if he wanted to?"_

"Harry, of course Professor Lupin would want to raise you! You're his son!" Hermione cried passionately. "You have such a low self esteem because of your childhood that you just can't-"

Harry completely tuned out his best friend to concentrate on his other best friend, who was currently feeling three inches tall. Literally.

"Squeek!"

"Damn. You were supposed to turn into a weasel."

If a mouse could give you a look that said: 'I'm going to punch you in the face for that as soon as I can make a fist, you dick', Ronald Mouse Weasley was managing it.

"Don't look at me like that. We wouldn't want _Mrs. Norris_ to find her next meal.."

"Harry James Potter!"

Harry jumped guiltily.

"You haven't been listening to a word I said! You really need to-"

'And she's off,' Harry sighed in relief. He petrified Ron the Mouse and swiftly changed him back into a human. He raised his wand again- 'Nah. He can suck it up 'til Hermione notices him.'

Throwing his invisibility cloak on, he snuck out of Gryffindor tower, leaving Hermione still ranting in front of the fire and Ron on the carpet by her feet.

"_Suckers."_


End file.
